her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
