I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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