my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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