Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize