There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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