Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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