I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
