my mouth tastes like poor choices
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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