True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
