If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize