Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Sorry my hands just texted you
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
