You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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