You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
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