I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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