farters have to be the big spoon...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
