Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
