I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
