Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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