did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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