kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
