you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
