Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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