dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
