New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
