i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
