I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
