At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
