when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
