every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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