i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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