Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
