Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
there was a trapeze. enough said
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
