don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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