I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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