OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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