life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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