i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Tornado booty call.. dedication
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
