Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
