I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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