I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Randomize
