I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
