he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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