Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
