Soap is not a condiment
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
