Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
