This is not my ceiling
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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