i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
