We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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