glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
