I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
