Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
that may or may not have been my penis.
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