ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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