i think i have two assholes
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Randomize
