Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
