Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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