his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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