My cat gives me a boner
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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