He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
