in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
