Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize